Lara Croft

I started talking with someone about Tomb Raider and Lara Croft. Basically, she liked that what’s his face in The Angel of Darkness — Kurtis?

I haven’t yet written about this because I’m still on Game One of my replay and I haven’t played Reboot Cash Grab Two in — forever. But the thing is, I get what they were trying to do with Kurtis. It’s just — the execution of that was bad, especially since The Angel of Darkness is painfully obviously an unfinished first draft. And then this was further exasperated by the fact that Kurtis? Reads like a fan fic OC self-insert.

He’s constantly outwitting Lara, he has all the cool powers, he has all the cool gadgets — and it’s like, who the fuck is this guy? I don’t care about this guy. I’m here to play as Lara. You know? I mean, these games — and the trash fire reboots that came after — owe their success to Lara, not some random dude who appeared in one tanked game.

Also — and this is admittedly petty of me — but I just didn’t like their aesthetics together. I mean, my Lara is a classy, feminine girl. He was way too frumpy for her.

As an aside, I actually somehow converted myself into shipping Lara and Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potters because I’m convinced those two would get on like a house on fire.

And then she goes on to say that Lara was “fine” in Reboot Cash Grab One. Like, she isn’t even the same character? All they share is the same name and vaguely the same looks? The Lara in Reboot Cash Grab One is literally a worse fan fic version of Original Lara written by people who didn’t understand her character at all. (Never mind that they totally removed her agency and motivations which I will never forgive.)

Then I started thinking about it — like, wait, is this the same girl who ships Todoroki/Izuku and thinks a fourteen-year-old school bully (Katsuki) is worse than actual villains? I probably shouldn’t but, yeah. It started to make sense.

You know, just saying, but trust is earned. That includes trust in someone else’s opinions. And I’m naturally mistrustful.

Tomb Raider: Impeccable Etiquette

Another unproductive day, another Tomb Raider post. Well, today it wasn’t really my fault because I went to this… ghost tour with my sisters in this manor house. I’m pretty sure the guide-actor was embellishing or outright making stuff up which doesn’t seem really fair because these were still real people even if they’re hundreds of years dead. The basement was cool, though! It had this nice cool moist earth scent and they turned off all the lights and no matter how much I looked ahead I couldn’t see a thing.

But anyway, why Lara Croft is best girl. I only have three pictures this time because the pictures aren’t as interesting as the transcript of the scene.

The guy on the left is Larson, a fellow tomb raider who is doing it as a hired hand instead of a vocation. He’s also working for Natla, the main villainess of this game, and is trying to kill and screw Lara over. This is right after Lara has shot him down.

To be honest, no matter how many times I listen to these cutscenes their accents are still mostly incomprehensible to me, ha ha.

LARA: Well, you have my total attention now. I’m not quite sure if I’ve got yours, though… Hello?

Oh, c’mon, Lara. You did put a few rounds of bullets into the man. Give him a moment.

LARSON: I’ll heel and hide you to a barn door yet!

LARA: Of course.

LARSON: You and that driveling piece of the Scion. You want to keep it so bad? I’ll harness it right up your…

LARA: Wait. We’re talking about the artefact here?

LARSON: Damn straight we are. Right up…

LARA: Hold on! I’m sorry. This piece you say. Where’s the rest?

You know, Lara’s interruptions were pretty much done for censorship (contemporary games wouldn’t have any trouble coming right out and saying it; see Trash Reboot One and Two) but I find it so absolutely hilarious that Larson is trying to threaten and insult her, and Lara’s all, “I beg your pardon, let’s stick to business”. Like a true English aristocrat! That total dork. ♡

LARSON: Ms Natla put Pierre Dupont on that trail.

LARA: And where is that?

LARSON: Ha! You ain’t fast enough for him.

LARA: So you think all this talking is just holding me up?

LARSON: I don’t know where his jackrabbit frog legs are running him to. You’ll have to ask Ms Natla.

It’s at this point Larson tries to go for his gun and Lara roundhouse kicks him.

LARA: Thank you. I will.

You can’t say the girl doesn’t have impeccable manners, ha ha. ❤

This is one more thing Crystal Dynamics just straight up ripped from her mangled corpse of a character. You know, can I put Crystal Dynamics’ Trash Reboots into tv americanisation?

Tomb Raider: Random Screenshots

Another unproductive day and I almost fell asleep at my desk so… here’s another Tomb Raider post, ha ha.

You know, it’s a bit silly but I really like the detail of this passport; that it contains the new game, save and load. I think it’s a cute little detail and new games don’t really do stuff like this anymore.

To be honest, I’ve always disliked killing animals in video games (doesn’t mean I need the character I’m playing to dislike it too). So it actually helps that they don’t look photorealistic. There was even this one game, A Farewell to Dragons, I think, that wanted me to kill baby animals for exp and I was like, “I can’t do it, I can’t,” and I deleted that game off my computer and haven’t touched it since then, ha ha.

I find it really funny that these inbred dinosaurs have survived in the remote mountains of Peru for hundreds of millions of years and then, well, Lara came along. She also sold them to Vegas as curiosities, which will never stop being funny to me.

I even got a screenshot of her dainty little walk. ❤ And you know, this is actually one of the things that pissed me off in Crystal Dynamics’ Trash Reboot One; that instead of making Lara feminine, which she is, they just had to make her — well, rough and tomboy-ish just because she’s crazy athletic and does physical work.

Lara is not a tomboy. All of her movements, and behaviour, are feminine. She just happens to have a very physically demanding hobby. There’s a difference.

I swear, Crystal Dynamics can’t write to save their lives. Like, they literally turned Lara — with her class, resourcefulness, cleverness, tenacity, mean streak, cool-headed business and dumbass one-liners — into a completely bland stereotypical character that you can find in any media.

Her backpack of holding. It’s amazing, the stuff she can carry in that. And blasély carry across borders; shotguns, pistols, magnums, rocket launchers… priceless historical artefacts… The world is wild in the original (and only) Tomb Raiders.

Also, I still maintain that she magicked that backpack herself along with her pistols even though the fourth game “answered” where she got it. Can you answer something that was never even a question? Because I really don’t think the fans had a pressing need to know where she got her backpack.

A screenshot of her boobs. As you can see, while they’re lethal pyramids of destruction, they’re really not that unnaturally big that every ignorant idiot has to comment on them thirty years later.

Besides, why isn’t anyone talking about her hips? Because she has pretty fine hips too, at least in the second game.

Just a couple of random screenshots because I liked the colours. And I’ve said this in one of the previous posts but I don’t think new games really do colours anymore — unless they’re what I’ve dubbed “bubblegum graphics”. I went through my stash of screenshots from Trash Reboot Two (and I guess I should get back to that at some point, preferably before I have to restart it again because I’ve blessedly forgotten everything) and there’s… very little actual colour in them. Which might be because I haven’t really got to the daytime portion of the game yet. But, you know, from what I remember it doesn’t really get better.

And finally, let’s talk about the soundtrack before I forget. Tomb Raider has — how to put this — a very minimal soundtrack. There’s music in certain dramatic parts of the game but mostly it’s just… you know, things like the wind or other distant sounds. Because she is trawling through aeon-dead remote tombs where there’s nothing but her and the occasional wild animal.

And try to imagine what that says about her for a moment if you can. Because even if the game doesn’t show it, I don’t think she actually makes it through each tomb in a day which means that she has to camp in them. Try to imagine sleeping in a remote, dead-silent place with nothing but shadows and undead for company, when most people can barely sleep in the quiet of their own apartments. Try to imagine what that says about her mental resilience.

Crystal Dynamics literally couldn’t infer the first thing about Lara’s character which is why they’ve fucked it up for twelve years. It also creates some unintentional hilarity but I’ll get to this in the second part of Trash Reboot Two if I do.

Also, music was much better in video games when it was orchestral.

Tomb Raider: Crazy Athleticism

But still a total girl.

I can honestly say that I don’t have an athletic muscle in my body but can human hands do that?

*tries to picture it*

I guess they can? I guess it just looks weird because of the graphics?

I tried to get a good picture of Lara’s frog swimming but the best I could do was this. In my experience, frog swimming is how most women swim, ha ha.

You know, I would’ve posted gifs but I don’t think wordpress supports gifs? Not that I know how to make one anyway so never mind, you make do with what you know.

Also, Lara’s kind of melting into the box in the last two pictures but hey, it was the nineties graphics.

But regardless, the way she pushes (and pulls) boxes is very funny to me because that is exactly how I tried moving heavy furniture at this one workplace. So while Lara does have crazy athleticism, it’s also evident that she isn’t superpowered. Like other unmentionable fictional women of the same era.

And the fact that she does this anyway, over and over, even though it’s straining and heavy and laborious says something about her. Mainly that she’s tenacious.

Everything Lara does says something about her character. And that some (possibly many) people totally failed to infer that is not a flaw in her character.

As a postscript, when someone described Lara as “nothing but boobs and muscle” I was utterly confused because, what the hell? she’s totally feminine? And then I remembered:

I’ll never forgive Crystal Dynamics.

Underworld (2008)

The last time I played Reboot One (Legend, Anniversary, Underworld) was — I don’t even know — ten years ago? Over ten years ago? I don’t remember what I thought of the games then but I suspect I didn’t think much about them.

Having freshly replayed the original six games, it actually pisses me off how little Lara in Reboot One resembles Lara. The only good thing about Reboot One was the manor and then they got rid of that too. I really liked her house; I thought it was pretty.

But I seriously wonder what’s up with the last part of a trilogy always being the worst one as far as games go. The camera was annoying and jittery, Lara was constantly getting stuck in places, and her face reminded me of the characters in Mass Effect: Andromeda. For anyone who doesn’t know Mass Effect: Andromeda, this isn’t a compliment.

Thor’s hammer was fun, though.

I have previously compared Reboot One and Reboot Two to substandard fan fiction. Now, I have four categories for fan fics:

the bad: the writing is bad and the characters don’t even remotely resemble themselves

the average: the writing isn’t very good but the characters are at least recognisable

the okay: the writing is good, the characters are themselves, but the content is horrible

the good: the writing is good, the characters are themselves and the content is good too (this is obviously the rarest)

After finishing this game, I can say that both reboots belong unequivocally in the bad category.

Lara is way too emotional in this. She was constantly throwing these rageful hissy fits and the entire time I was watching her all I could think of was “yeah, that’s not Lara”. Doesn’t matter if the rageful hissy fits make sense for Reboot One’s character. Because they don’t make sense for Lara Croft’s character.

Original Lara wasn’t emotional which isn’t to say that she didn’t have emotions. Even when she was angry, she always kept her cool. She basically had three modes of operation:

one) business
two) mean streak
three) dumb one-liners

She had rare moments of sentimentality, but she wasn’t sentimental.

One of Lara’s rare moments of sentimentality (well, she is younger here). Notice the braid. The original games have really nice attention to detail and then stuff like that braid happens, ha ha. ❤

Original Lara was also distinctly feminine for all of her coolness and action heroics. I mean her poise, her movements and generally how she behaves.

In Reboot One, she says stuff like “bloody hell”, and she just came off as a non-British person’s idea of a British upper class. And maybe not so much of the upper class aside from the manor and wealth.

As if that isn’t enough, Underworld brought Natla back. Natla was the main villainess in the first Tomb Raider and Anniversary. At the end of Underworld, she makes the obligatory villainous speech about how everything after Lara’s mother’s disappearance was orchestrated by her. Because apparently completely removing your main character’s agency is top-tier writing. And it’s Lara’s evil doppelganger who has the braid, this honestly felt like an insult.

Also, lest I forget again, Amanda’s entire character makes me embarrassed to exist. I really don’t understand who designed her and thought “yeah, this is good”.

Isn’t it telling that despite Reboot One and Reboot Two, the fans of the original games still ask for Original Lara back?

Not that I think we’re ever going to get that.

Fool Me Once…

A while ago I was talking about the Final Fantasy VII Remake with someone. He was a fan of the original, not a fan of the Remake, and he said he doesn’t want Final Fantasy Remake to redefine what a ‘remake’ is.

But… Weeeell…

Tomb Raider Anniversary: 2007

This is technically a remake of the original Tomb Raider. At the same time, however, it’s revisionist nonsense to tie the original game to Reboot One.

On second thought, let me rephrase that since I have respect for actual historical revisionism. This is more like the rewriting of popular culture in 1984.

‘The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron — they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be.’

This game. It’s worse than any of the original games. The camera, the controls, the quick time events, the battle system… it’s all garbage. It’s incredibly frustrating when you die not because of your own lack of skill but because all the aforementioned don’t work.

Also, the person who came up with the quick-time events should be booted out of the gaming industry. My other sentiments on this are, er, not very polite so I will refrain from expressing them.

As if the frustrating controls weren’t enough, this game further eradicates Lara’s agency and thus accountability, and personality.

In the original games, there were a couple of doofuses she crossed paths with as they were in the same treasure-hunting business, Pierre and Larson. Unlike Lara, however, they didn’t seem to be independently wealthy since they were doing it as hired hands.

In the original Tomb Raider, Lara killed them both when they got in her way and a couple of other hired goons, and blithely moved on with her life. You know, since they were trying to kill her right back.

In Anniversary, h o w e v e r, Pierre is killed by undead centaurs and Lara actually seems to feel bad about this. The supposedly same girl who in Chronicles had Pierre help her up a ledge then spooked him off the same ledge and walked off with a dumb one-liner. Kold and Kid, the other hired goons, kill each other like a couple of morons. The only one whom Lara kills by herself is Larson, and immediately afterwards she tries to wipe off blood that… isn’t on her hands since she shot him.

It’s like the devs of this thing took a look at Original Lara and said to themselves: “You know how she would be even better? If she was, like, nice and felt bad about things”.

Like every generic female character without any agency, y’mean? And these are the same people who went on to write that sociopathic wet blanket in Reboot Two.

Here’s a pro tip: if you don’t like the personality of the character you’re writing substandard fan fiction about, maybe write an original character instead.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I’m a gamer~.

If you allowed it once, you’re going to allow it twice. If you allow it twice, you’re going to allow it every time.

Tiers of Tomb Raider Reboots

A while ago I bought the original Tomb Raiders for a guy I know as a lark. Because I have a soul of mischief and I knew he wouldn’t like them. He can dress it up in all the valid points he wants — such as “the gameplay is soooo bad”, as if he would recognise good gameplay even if it hit him in the face — but c’mon, it’s the graphics.

Funny enough, someone else made the same point recently to me. He wanted a Final Fantasy VII remake for better graphics and equated this to animal courtship. And it’s like, dude, it’s a video game. You’re not trying to mate with it. Besides, video game graphics should be stylised for the specific game in the first place instead of every game trying to be this hyperrealistic film. Just saying, but the prettier the graphics, the less there is actual gameplay.

I mean, everyone else seems to salivate over these hyperrealistic graphics while I’m over here admiring how far pixel graphics have come and feeling nostalgic for the nineties’ graphics.

Anyhow, we ended up talking about the original games a couple of days ago. He was complaining about the gameplay, the graphics and the textures and what have you. Which is actually pretty funny because I was surprised how well those still hold up twenty years later. You can do more in the original Tomb Raider than you can in many modern games.

I tried explaining to him that the Reboot Two is bad and Miss Reboot isn’t Lara. And here’s where we get to the point of this post because this honestly irritated me so badly.

SOME GUY I KNOW: You’re just mad because they shrunk her tits, you pervert.

Uh-huh, sure. I’ve totally complained about her tits all this time:

Tomb Raider: Reboot
Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest
Nightmare in Vegas
Lara Croft, the Original
Tomb Raider: Legend

SOME GUY I KNOW: Uh, yeah. It’s an origin story.

If someone actually thinks that the thing in Reboot Two is going to become Lara Croft, I’m sad to say they’re either stupid or delusional or both.

At least in Reboot One she’s somewhat recognisable as Lara Croft, in this fan fiction way that she’s someone’s idea of Lara Croft.

But in Reboot Two, Miss Reboot is a generic, mediocre original character wearing the thin skin of Lara Croft. Probably because it’s easier to cash in on an existing IP and, for better or worse, Lara Croft is an iconic character. And let me tell you a secret: it’s not because of the reboots.

If the original Lara had been like the thing in Reboot Two, she would’ve quickly been forgotten in the dustbin of history.

Reboot Two took original Lara’s personality, her motivations, and her agency, and replaced them with fuck all. Reboot One did this too, although to a lesser degree. This is why I can’t stand either of them, regardless of how “pretty” the graphics look or how “good” the gameplay is.

So really, if that guy I know is going to be strawmanning me at least he could have the decency to make up something even slightly intelligent.

Moreover, he’s the kind of guy who can’t hear a single word of criticism of something he likes. For example, he doesn’t want to hear me trashing Harry Potter lest he’ll stop liking them and all I can think of is: imagine having that weak sense of self.

He’s also the kind of guy who goes trawling through videos and comments to hear someone else articulate his dislike for something — such as The Wheel of Time recently. And yet ironically he doesn’t have the self-awareness or empathy to realise that what was done to The Wheel of Time is exactly what was done to Tomb Raider years earlier.

“Origin story”, indeed.

To quote the immortal words of Heraclitus:

Stupidity is better

kept a secret

than displayed.

It’s not that I mind that he was wrong and strawmanning me. I’ve been wrong about plenty of things. But the least he could’ve done was admit he’s never played or liked the original games, and stopped there.

Whew. I feel much better after getting that off my chest.

Also, I’m not sure how many people this interests but I shall try to continue Harry Potter tomorrow. Er… or later today. I totally failed to finish the book this year, ha ha.

Legend (2006)

This is where Lara’s character took a nosedive for the first time:

Tomb Raider Legend: 2006

• She has a “team” as if listening to constant inane chatter between equally inane characters makes any game or story better. Like, do not get me started on Alister.
• She has friends all over the world.
• She’s “nice” and “sentimental”, instead of surly and pragmatic. With a trifle of sentimentality.
• Her mean streak is gone.
• Her dumbass one-liners are gone.
• Her braid is gone.
• Mother complex, because apparently a character can’t do something for the fun of it. It’s not deeeep.
• She says stuff like “lovely” and “splendid” while fangirling over ruins or puzzle poems, and every time I hear her I’m like:

• This Reboot One pretends harder that she’s an actual archaeologist instead of a treasure hunter doing it for the shiny mystical trinkets and thrills. While ironically she still has no qualms about destroying the ancient places she finds.

I’m pretty sure there are more but I’m still on chapter three.

Also, this game is somehow more annoying to play than Angel of Darkness. I struggled with this one ladder before I found out that I should turn on the VSync. And the camera kills me.