Life is Strange: Episode 1 (2015)

Other episodes:

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5

WARNINGS: Spoilers and a few curse words. I got this game from somewhere and it’s been sitting in my Steam account for years. So yesterday I decided I’d finally just get it over with and play it. This is not a positive review, or a review at all. This is just my thoughts as they occurred to me while I was playing. I hate American Teen Drama and as it turned out this is just American Teen Drama: The TV Show in a “video game”. So if any potential reader happens to be a particularly sensitive fan of Life is Strange, you should probably stop reading here.

Life is Strange is a story based game that features player choice, the consequences of all your in game actions and decisions will impact the past, present and future. Choose wisely…

This is invariably a lie.

I really don’t understand Max’s thought processes — who takes a selfie in the middle of class? I don’t care it’s an “art” class, her teacher is in the middle of a lecture. That’s just rude and attention deficient. I sure hope she got a nice shot of her double chin from that angle.

Also, I find it hard to believe that Max would really be such a socially crippled loser — I’m sorry, a “geek”. Here’s a thought: how about we start being actual people instead of labels that pigeonhole us into specific behaviours that really have more to do with consumerism than anything else? What is a geek anyway? A walking, talking encyclopedia of useless pop culture references such as Warren? So what you’re saying is, you like pop culture? Here’s a challenge: describe yourself in three words and all of them have to be a verb and none of them can be “am”.

Besides, 21st century labels are nothing but artificial tribalism anyway because your parents and grandparents murdered traditionalism in the name of progress.

Anyway, back to Max. She did move out of Seattle to wherever Arcadia Bay is — Oregon? — just to go to her Dream School! With her Dream Teacher! and Start Fresh! Because that always works.

According to her journal, which I much to my regret slugged through in the beginning, Max’s been at Blackwell only a month and she acts like everything is such a huge chore hoisted on her poor, skinny shoulders. The whole time I was listening to her waffle and emote in her flat, emotionless voice I kept thinking, what are you doing there, Max? No, really. What are you doing there? It’s just a competition, not a death sentence. You do your best, you submit your photo, and you get over it because that’s what you do in school. Her attitude is especially ridiculous considering how much her teacher kisses her arse — for no discernible reason because her photos really aren’t all that special — instead of the other way around.

I can say with utmost confidence I hate every single voice actor in this game. Except maybe Victoria — she does pull of that bitchy rich girl pretty well but that’s because it’s the extent of her emotional range, probably until the game decides to make her into a human. Kate and Max are supposed to have wider emotional ranges but Kate sounds like a zombie and Max just makes me want to rip my ears off. I miss the time when games used to have silent protagonists, I do.

For a game about rape, this camera angle sure likes focusing on Victoria’s arse while she’s trying to seduce the art teacher with her eighteen-year-old wiles. But that’s legal, I guess.

MAX: Here’s a poster for the contest… Mr. Jefferson really expects me to enter. Why?

ME: HOW ABOUT BECAUSE YOU ARE IN THE FUCKING ART DEPARTMENT? Ring a bell? The reason why you wanted to study in Blackwell?

This kid is going to drive me crazy, I just know it.

MAX: I need a serious timeout in the bathroom. But first, let me casually lean against this wall.

You know, Max keeps saying how she thought all of her fellow students should’ve gotten over the need for “high school drama” — and she’s eighteen, she’s so precious — and yet she keeps making these pointless, snide remarks about everyone. It’s so great to hear every single thought that goes on inside of her head.

MAX: This is Courtney. She’s a total slave. This is Taylor. She’s also a total slave. And a dumb blonde.

What I’ve learned from pop culture: blondes are stupid, evil, cowards, traitors, sluts, or masturbation material. Good thing I’m not a blonde lest I’d have a complex.

Not to mention the way Max talks about Warren who’s supposed to be her second only friend in Blackwell.

MAX: I’ve seen Brooke hang out with Warren. She seems like his type.

ME: Yeah, how about you don’t make those assumptions about him?

Incidentally, I find it funny how hard the game tries to sell the whole epic Chloe/Max romance considering that in the first episode of the game Max only shows interest in guys — not Warren, though! because that’s hilarious — and she didn’t contact Chloe in five years. At all. Or in the first month she’s been back. The game really tries to tell me she cares but I’m not seeing it. So on top of being annoying, Max is also a thoughtless twerp.

Of course, Chloe could’ve also contacted Max.

MAX: Nobody can see my meltdown. Except for me.

ME: Wow, Max. Don’t get so emotional. You might pull something.

Two questions: why would Nathan hide in the girls’ toilet? Unless Chloe told him to meet her there. But Chloe is expelled so why the hell didn’t these two meet outside of school?

Oh, right. So Max could trigger her nifty powers and we’d have this totally awesome story!

Also, I find it hilarious how Chloe acts like the alpha dog of the whole Arcadia Bay but as soon as someone pulls a weapon on her she quickly looks and sounds like a helpless little girl. I think this just goes to show that she’s never gotten into actual trouble for her own behaviour.

I mean, she got physically aggressive with Nathan first. And yes, Nathan had a gun and she later says he drugged and raped her — except not because the game was too much of a wuss to actually go there. And you know, even in that instance she was the one who got her own stupid arse in trouble because she wanted to get Nathan blackout drunk and rob him of his money.

I like how that little tidbit was overshadowed by the date rape thing. Two wrongs don’t make a right, Nathan being a creep doesn’t excuse Chloe’s behaviour.

MAX: And I need time to save that girl.

ME: Max, you can rewind time. You don’t “need” time. For anything, ever. This is why stories with time travel are so fucking ridiculous.

So wait. Chloe seriously had time to notice the blue butterfly while she was busy hardassing Nathan and Nathan was waving a gun in her face? Also, how the hell did Nathan get that ripped selfie of Max? Did he seriously go back into the girls’ toilet? For what? For why?

I guess he could’ve gone back to look for any clues since the principal did invite him to his office to talk about the alleged gun but Nathan has the exact same reaction and dialogue if you choose to hide the truth.

And you know, for a game that says in the beginning that all of your choices matter, you can’t actually leave the school without talking to the principal. And this is the moment when the game mechanic breaks. You see, you have the option to tell the principal that Nathan was raging with a gun in the girls’ loo or to hide the truth. But if you choose to hide the truth, Max tells the exact same lie even if you rewind time and choose the option again when the principal doesn’t buy it. For a girl with time-travel superpowers, she sure sucks at using them.

This is why I keep saying that games with choices are bullshit.

Ooooh, so it’s another one of those Magic Native Americans and their Magic Dirt plots, is it? Tell me, this game doesn’t happen to have a burial ground underneath the town, does it?

I also like that whenever you use the rewind powers, Max starts every conversation in the same way.

You know, this is just an observation but anyone who complains about “elitism” is, usually, an elitist themselves. They just aren’t rich or well-connected.

Hayden sounds like he’s thirty, not eighteen. Did I mention I can’t stand the voice acting in this game?

Victoria is such an insignificant twat who so clearly compensates for her own insecurities that it doesn’t actually cost me anything to be nice to her. Only people with raging inferiority complexes rage that hard against other people who haven’t done anything to them.

I find it really great that a game about the seriousness of rape promotes an author who sexually abused and raped her own daughter. And whose husband sexually abused and raped his own daughter, and the young boys of other people. It’s classy. For those of you who are curious: the author was Marion Zimmer Bradley. Please boycott her works and if you happen to own any of her books please burn them.

MAX: Warren should be all over Brooke. They’re perfect for each other.

ME: Yeah, Max. How about you still don’t make those assumptions about him?

As an aside: I was once in a bus and witnessed this girl go on and on about how two of her friends would be “so perfect for each other” in spite of the fact that her friends clearly thought she was a total weirdo and didn’t seem to have any interest in each other. She also mentioned something about their eye and hair colours and how they were a perfect match!, and all I could think of was, oh for the love of gods, shut up and stop embarrassing yourself.

VICTORIA’S DORM ROOM SLATE: “Be the change you wish to see” — Gandhi.

So now you’re quoting the man who used to sleep naked with his nieces? Or so I’ve read. I’m so confused about what this game is trying to say.

Is Max adopted? Because her mom texts it’s been eighteen years since she was brought to them. Which is a weird turn of phrase if she’s not. She doesn’t look adopted considering she looks exactly like her dad.

Are Dana and Max actually friends at the start of the game? Because I can’t imagine how else Dana would be shameless enough to go into Max’ room, without her there, and borrow her stuff, without asking her? Unless she really is that shameless.

MAX: This isn’t even recycled paper.

Don’t you worry, Max. They actually plant new trees for every paper out there although this does destroy the natural diversity of that particular micro-ecosystem. Also, recycling doesn’t fix anything. Stop consuming.

The kind of stuff you can do with Max, she isn’t so much as nosy as incredibly and creepily intrusive. Also, I wish the game would stop pointing this out because it’s really annoying. You don’t point out your game mechanics, game, it’s not cute or clever.

Chloe is an entitled twat. I don’t care how hard she’s had it since the death of her dad because that’s just an emotional cheat on authors’ part. Instead of actually making a character likeable or relatable, they make the reader or observer feel bad for them. It’s nothing but cheap emotional manipulation.

MAX: Juliet still looks upset about Zach and Victoria. I don’t blame her.

ME: Yeah, it’s not like she heard about them cheating on her all of five minutes ago or anything.

What’s wrong with Warren’s car? From what I can see it looks like a perfectly normal car. And it’s not like most eighteen-year-old kids can afford the newest or shiniest car. In fact, I’m surprised Warren had enough money for a car at all.

MAX: And there’s Warren. Did he actually buy a used car?

ME: Oh my fucking god, Max, you are so fucking obnoxious. I bet everyone ships Chloe and Max because yay, lesbians! But Max is such a passive-aggressive judgemental twat I think Warren is too nice for her. Sure he’s a little too overenthusiastic, especially when Max shows no interest in him at all, even as a friend, except when she needs something from him.

I’ll repeat it: Max is fucking obnoxious. And a horrible friend. She’s actually a bit better friend to Kate — although a lot of that is player choices — than she is to all of her other so-called friends but even with Kate she tends to leave in the middle of important conversations.

MAX: I know you just basically told me you were drugged and gang raped at a party (except not because the game was too much of a wuss to actually go there) but man, I really got to go now. And also, please try not to mention me when you go to the police and the principal, okay? I’ll totally be here for you, though! Thanks, bye!

I know it’s because of game mechanics but it does not make Max look good.

Incidentally, these conversations are so much more tolerable without voice acting.

Aaand the game cockblocks Warren because that’s hilarious. So much for your choices mattering.

Do also notice that Max mentions nothing about Chloe’s truck even though it looks about a million times worse than Warren’s used car. And later on, she’ll wax poetic on how much she likes rusted metal and then wonders if she’s just morbid or goth.

Trust me, Max, you’re neither. You’re just stupid.

Also! She actually gives Victoria shit for not using recycled paper and then she also gives Warren shit for buying a used car? Stop buying new cars, people. The manufacturing of those is a lot more taxing on the environment than driving around in a used gas-guzzler. In fact, let’s make our cities walkable and switch to railways then we won’t have to use cars, ever. Both of those solutions are far less destructive for the environment and far more sustainable than making everything electric and dependent on the grid.

I see that David didn’t put a camera in Chloe’s room even though the game sort of implies he put up cameras because he doesn’t trust her — with extremely good reason. That was nice of him. I guess the game didn’t want to make him into that much of a creep.

I also find it hilarious how the game ramps up David’s unlikeability from the moment we see him because clearly this game is all about letting you make your own decisions. There’s the muscle car, the surveillance cameras, the hunting trophies, the guns, the creepy investigation files, hassling Kate and his so-called attitude towards Chloe.

It’s no wonder Max can’t fix her camera considering she just pokes at it.

Why would Chloe’s step-dad kill her just because she has a friend over? Especially someone like Max who looks as normal and harmless as they get? I find it hard to believe Chloe would have brought any of her other friends over to warrant this alleged killing from David because she doesn’t have any.

Also, CHLOE: I’m for gun control, remember?

ME: Sure you are. That’s why you stole his gun and used it illegally while chucking back beer — after smoking weed, mind — and accidentally shot yourself like the massive moron you are? Do I really have to spend the entire game with this girl?

Also, she stole his gun. She smoked weed. Her room still smells like weed and David finds a roll on her desk. And then Chloe actually has the impudence to get prissy when he “accuses” her of the very things she’s been doing? I’ve read articles that warn me about people like her.

Do I really have to spend the entire game with this girl?

You know what, it doesn’t actually surprise me that she’s “for gun control” and then she’s a total fucking hypocrite about it.

Aaand again Chloe is the first one to get physically aggressive since she does charge at her step-dad, and then we’re supposed to feel sorry for her when he backhands her? Oh right. “You should never hit a woman.” And, “Violence is never the answer.” I’m honestly just surprised David hasn’t been slapping her all day every day. But I suppose he does have that day job to keep him busy.

So Max just let Chloe walk way ahead while she what, spaced out at the fence?

I find Max and the game’s treatment of Warren to be really gross.

This concludes Episode 1: Can You Spell Compensation?